Sleeping with Your Beloved (***possibly triggering***)
After more than a year and half of living with my Beloved, going through many layers of healing, processing, grieving a lost childhood, transforming ego, identity, and surrendering to everything and all within this one relationship to finally come back to harmony and balance, the concern and challenge of sleep has been resolved.
Having been a survivor of rapes, a survivor of being abandoned at birth, absent and neglected parents, and relationship after relationship and manipulated to their idea of having an “open relationship”, “polyamory” and really detaching from me and never having the close security I always wanted, all of these dark pains and feelings came up in sleep. All shadow sides of the self become revealed during sleep disturbance, lack of sleep, and insomnia. My long time almost 20 year therapist said to me in an analogy (as he always uses), “if you want your girlfriend or wife to heal her core trauma, keep her up late at night and make her lose sleep, make her stay up and all her darkness will be revealed. Then she’ll finally get the chance to heal it.” Well, for a year and 1/2, on almost a daily basis, I was knocked out of my sleep schedule. I was shaken to my knees, and desperately looking for a solution. Night after night and after night, I couldn’t sleep. I tried acupuncture. Then added additional natural substances to help, ie. melatonin, Advil pm, chamomile, cbd oil in water, even thc oil in water, cbd Balmer, meditation, eventually discovered Melanite (which was a miracle by itself), tried other insomnia herbs from Barlowes Herbals (amazing company by the way), tried different essential oils, and so on.
My Beloved and I also had been on the journey of Shamanic Journeys and worked through numerous layers of healing there, which we eventually discovered we would like to have as part of our Healing Center we are starting here in Philadelphia. We then started a powerful intensive one year long senior level Communication training through Landmark Worldwide, said to be the most intensive and advanced training they offer, called the Team Management and Leadership Program. We went on a bold journey of discovery and continued to confront what came up night after night after night, core anxious attachment, abandonment, and the primary need of intimacy and love. People didn’t understand or have compassion for what we were going through. They weren’t in the program with their serious partner, and had a different situation. I was threatened regularly to be kicked out of the program, mostly for exhaustion, but I knew having this intensive level of commitment, and losing sleep would bring me to my knees and force me to confront every and all dark shadows hidden within; which had been my life long dream. The program was designed for being of service and to be trained to cause enrollment, leadership and powerful distinctions of communication, “getting off it”, re-training your neurological brain waves of thinking and reacting, cause teams and teamwork and develop projects for the community. So, they didn’t want to hear about some of my personal breakthroughs nor challenges that showed up on a regular basis; mostly because it was triggering to them and they hadn’t gone as far or deep into their own shadows. They just wanted to hear about the results, the impact on the community, on them, and myself, restoring integrity over and over again. (Going into ones Shadows is more of a Shamanic Healing conversation, which I’ll share more later.)
Well, as I described in the previous article, there was a breakdown with my team, and I triggered one of my team members who had actually not resolved fully her trauma nor her rape, and I being an advocate for healing these things, my mere presence was a trigger for her. I tried to talk to her, I wanted to help her, and be there for her, offer to share openly what was there for her, and being a stand she communicate so it gets complete for her. However, she was not ready, so my Beloved and I went off on our own, in the little studio in Venice, Ca, where we made friends with the owners of the house, and met a funny gay guy at a unique seafood restaurant, who was from West Chester, PA, my home town, and we had our own private amazing journey of our own. While we were there, we discovered the benefit of having not one white noise sound machine, but two, as we brought our own and they had one there. When we got home was when the miracles happened.
As you read above about the miracle of your man holding back and awareness for all women, so two was the next miracle. We tried to sleep separate, as we always had, and it occurred to me that no MATTER where in the house he was, if we did not sleep laying next to each other and holding each other, I was not content. If he slept out at a friends, or with his sons, I could sleep in our home like a baby. But, if he was home, and I knew it and he was in another room, I couldn’t sleep for the life of me. So, I made a bold request. “Please love sleep with me and hold me in your arms !” I knew I was finally ready. He did just this, and I never slept better, not since those first few weeks we moved in together and those first few weeks of the honeymoon phase a year and 1/2 prior.
We had bought a new mattress prior to our California trip, and my last weekend of my communication and leadership training of my one year program. I knew that if I could have healed my entire childhood, and all my traumas and resolve the sleep challenge while in this program, I would be utterly thankful, and come back telling my team of my breakthrough, and call each and every one of them, and then decide to join Team 2, the 2nd year of the program where you get trained to be a VERY powerful Coach to others! Well, our new mattress we got was magical, with it being gel and foam padding, and I could not feel my Beloveds rolls and movements on the mattress. That alone was a miracle, but on this 3rd night home from California, the miracle happened, and I slept in his arms all night, and finally had a good 8 hour sleep, and know from this day forward that our internal needs are always there. The hidden messages need to be expressed, and when keeping them quiet and silent, there is no results out in the world. When we share truly from our hearts, we get back what we need and SO much more!
3/2/19