Many of us are Wounded Survivors, trying to do the best we can in a relationship. For us women who have had past trauma, rape, and even further childhood trauma, feeling the real love of your partner can be scary and often impossible. Many of us have scars that have kept us inside a hidden room, or cave that feels safe to us where we don’t want to climb or come out of. It can be terrifying to the little girl (or boy) inside of us that felt the need to hide all the time as a young child, to come out and play as an adult. She may be so used to staying locked in her room, or hidden inside some distraction, that coming out and feeling the real her, grieving the real her, or confronting the real feelings hidden deep within can be nearly impossible. Many of us never get to the point where we have unraveled the adult distractions or addictions to eventually get to the little child inside. But eventually, with enough courage, commitment, and determination, we do get there.
It’s taken me, an adult survivor of 25 years past my childhood trauma, to finally heal from all the adult dysfunctional relationships, the adult sexual woundings and scars, to eventually get to the little girl within. It’s taken 3 almost 4 solid years of detoxing and purging from the adult sexual relationships to finally get to the childhood relationship hidden within. This is some hard core long term cleansing and healing. And even years after taking a break from my Tantra sexually driven clients to finally get all the armor that was a protection to disappear and fall away.
I could have easily stayed on the path of keeping anger hidden inside, being a Tantra Teacher, Leader, and even Dominatrix at times, ignoring what was deep inside, and lived a successful life forever. Or so I thought! Now, I see my fellow Tantra Healers out there, and I know what the real work is, and when I stopped offering Tantra and giving my body away, that’s when the real healing began.
And healing beyond the anger, to get to the fear and panic that was underneath, that’s coming even closer to the Spiritual Awakening I’m seeking. Moments of sadness, and feeling the tears has finally arrived. I know from this new development that I’m getting closer and closer to the healing I’ve been seeking. And, when we’re in the thick of all the distractions and living out of our yoni (root chakra), there’s no way to know or understand that you’re not actually healing as long as you live there. You might think that you’re healing when you’re having sex all the time, or giving sex all the time, but as long as the intention of sex is first and foremost, there is no healing happening.
My Beloved has years of addiction recovery and an understanding of sex addiction unlike others in the Tantra and Sex Industry. Until the emotions underneath the drive for sex are healed, it’s just a distraction, something to make one feel powerful, for success and money. It’s not a path of finding true love, opening ones heart, or healing from trauma. Perhaps there are some forms of tantra out there that believe they are designed for healing trauma, however, the mixed messages of energy that go into it, and the mixed signals and energies that come from others about it, make it confusing for an inner child and young person within to truly heal.
That inner child wants to feel, and then gets stopped by feeling the need to put up a barrier of energy to block someone from pushing their energy in. That inner child wants to feel wanted, and safe to be themselves, but then when they feel that the outside person wants sex from them, and that is how they are going to receive love, it can make them feel used, or lack respect for themselves, or feel their power diminished when an energetic force of power and sexual energy are intertwined. The young child wants to just be accepted, seen, adored, and loved. Feeling an obligation to sex for an inner child is abusive to a young child, so why would it not be abusive as an adult too? It would. Your inner child has all the same emotions as your adult self. And until that inner child is fully healed and integrated and has released all of their past, and able to say NO when they feel a No, and Yes, when they feel a yes, the only thing that’s going to happen during intimacy is feeling re-wounded and re-traumatized again and again.