Updated: May 21, 2020
How To Keep The Spark
How to keep the spark going after your relationship has gone sour and the living together becomes harder in times of staying home more. What do you do when your husband seems to get upset over nothing all the time? Have you been ignoring his attempts of telling you what is going on with him? Have you fully heard him? Are your personal needs more important right now than listening to him? What is his behavior telling you that he hasn't been able to tell you in words?
These are all things to consider when your relationship doesn't feel as peaceful or blissful as it had in the past. Maybe you have too much going on right now to hear him or take care of his needs or requests. Recognize how long it has been that he's been waiting for you to hear him, and if its been quite some time, initiate a conversation of agreement or compromise. If he still can't wait any longer, then discover if you need space, or if you can take baby steps towards an agreement. Sometimes a little more space can be a part of that agreement if its needed.
Sometimes the timing is off for resolving things in a partnership. This is ok. We're all human. We all have needs and are going through things in our own pace and at our own time. There's nothing wrong with taking space, and sometimes right before you decide to part ways, a solution may ignite in your mind and the answer may come.
What is something you did with your partner in the past that inspired him? What is something that got you closer? Sometimes it takes a little magic, and sometimes it takes a little anger to bring back the passion. Being a Tantra & Sex Coach since my early 30s, I have a little background to compare to. However, with my partner, I remembered that he loved it when I become the Dominant and used a little paddle play behind doors. I remembered that we even talked about teaching classes to couples on this topic. But we were so caught up in the routine of the pandemic, his frustration with my nearly full time position in helping my son with his 'at home' schoolwork, and the dilemma of my now almost elderly cat needing more care, that we forgot "us"!
It was the morning before my son would leave to his dads for the night, and I had lost sleep over concerns about my sweet cat being sick and the question if we could change her diet and help her get better or if we needed to put her to sleep. I was so upset over it that I lost several hours sleep in the middle of the night. I was more sensitive than normal, and was checking her liter area to clean it, as an agreement my partner and I made so the air would smell fresh when he came downstairs every morning. My compulsion to make him happy, and her healthy lost me sleep. However, we made an agreement that every morning if I were sleeping in another bed, he would come find me, cuddle with me, and remind me to check on her cleaning area to keep us both happy. Of course he honored my request and did exactly what we agreed. However, I lost hours of sleep and had texted him in the middle of the night about this and how I had lost sleep.
He came upstairs in great spirits and cuddled behind me. I said "Oh my God, I just got to sleep. I need to go back to sleep." Immediately he felt rejected of course, and started to get up. I said, "well the damage is already done and I'm up now." I then went to go check on our little fury friend and rushed to get back upstairs to cuddle. But when I returned he was gone and in another room. All of a sudden I felt this surge of anger rush through my body. I hadn't felt this level of anger in a really long time. And I truly have the anger to thank the day after as I write this, because it sparked that old desire of using a paddle. This helped to get the anger out, but at first he didn't agree. It had been many months, maybe even a year, since we worked with paddles. But the desire was so strong, I pulled out our huge box of supplies looking for the one special leather paddle with a unicorn on it. I couldn't find it and found myself getting even more angry, so I used one of the other leather paddles and it did the trick.
Later after my son left and we had time alone, we could be intentional with this leather paddle play and experiment with the 4 or 5 other paddles we like. (Trust me we have a box of about 10), and this released whatever I was feeling, and helped him to let go of anything he was thinking in that moment and could be fully present with me, and aroused to his normal fiery and passionate state. I hadn't seen him with his wall down like this in a while, and I hadn't felt this relaxed with him in months. So, we have returned to a memory of something that really worked in the past, and it still works in the present. One can't always feel passionate to do something they aren't inspired to do, but sometimes getting angry in a moment can actually help to shift the love that you feel for many moments.
So I shared what helped shift my relationship when it had gotten sour. What have you done to help shift your relationship to a better place? Or, do you need inspiration, or tools that will help you? Paddles are only one tool. There are many other things you can do. Perhaps biking, walking, a new exercise like boxing/kickboxing, singing or learning a new musical instrument, learning a craft, playing a game, or perhaps a spiritual practice that you've never tried before. If your relationship has lost its spark, or one or both of you have your walls up and you can't seem to keep them down, let me know if you'd like to talk about it, and if you'd like help. I've been doing healing work since the 90s and am passionate about helping people. Feel free to send me a message here. You can click the contact page, or send me a chat, or even join this site. Let me know how I can help! Remember that you matter and you are very loved!