Sneakpeak to Second Book
A Man That Loves You
I noticed there was a tightness in my belly, my upper belly. Last night when we cuddled, after two days when I thought I was ready to make love. My dearest Beloved, who has been undyingly patient to connect to me, has been my angel and Healer to no end. I finally tapped a couple days ago on a rape that happened in 2005. Being in casual relationships in the past that didn’t last never brought up the deep layers of it. However, being in a long term, committed, monogamous living together relationship surely has.
Have you ladies ever heard of tapping? Its become quite popular and is something I’ve been doing on myself and offering for clients since around 2001. Go figure, a long term sex coach who helps everyone else never did the tapping on her own rape until stopping her practice for a while and being in a committed relationship. My Beloved gets the prize for most loyal and generous man of my lifetime. After an hour or so of tapping a couple days ago, I realized that was all it took to remove the block. However, feeling passion and desire again for your Beloved after so much time where he felt rejected has some wounds needed to heal and forgiveness to take place.
We got together with a girlfriend from France last night I met while living in the old apartment building from years ago. It was quite an adventurous evening with all the kids, and running from one park to the next. When we got home it was quite late, and was a short trip to the shower and setting my son up for his peaceful evening of sleep. Immediately after my Beloved and I cuddled in the fashion we had the morning earlier. My energy and connection from the morning was so magical. I realized then our love and soul mate connection had never changed, only my own traumas and triggers had surfaced where I finally acknowledged them and processed them. When we connected this evening after 11:30 at night, I felt his intensity of love for me so severely that it hypnotized me and paralyzed me into a euphoria of love that quickly put me to sleep. I felt at peace, at ease, and filled with bliss and love that I passed out.
The next morning (today), he woke up a little triggered, feeling rejected yet again that we didn’t make love, however in my mind, we did. We were in the position of making love with our clothes on and the energy between us was more magical than the physical act. We talked it through after his prompts and inquiries of guessing why I didn’t want to go deeper last night. At first, I said, “because you suggested we build the energy” like we had in the beginning, and feel our feelings of love for each other get stronger every day. He denied that was the reason and asked if I was still in love with this x or that. I assured him, that is definitely not the reason. I felt a weight in my belly, so intense that I knew there was some type of emotion or energy there that needed to be released. I remembered how the night before I actually did acupressure on my stomach that brought tears to my eyes right before falling asleep. I knew whatever was in my belly was from some past experience and was something to continue to breathe into. After my son left for his summer program, we had a chance to be alone again.
We went upstairs and he immediately undressed. I matched him leaving on one tank top and pants. I layed on top of him, and we held each other in silence and stillness. I kissed his face, his cheeks, and nose. He kissed my neck and forehead. he had no blocks in feeling his love or connection to me. He knew now that it was my own trauma and fear that had stopped me before. That fear had put a wedge between us, but I wasn’t willing to let it take me anymore. Immediately he said, lets get this out of you. There’s definitely something big there (Referring to my stomach).
Healing Your Woman
I sat upright on top of him and he pressed up into my belly. Immediately I rolled over onto my back. He leaned his body weight into my stomach, using his thumbs for pressure. I pointed to my ribs and right below it. He rotated between his thumbs and then his whole body weight, putting his whole weight onto me. He’s about 200 lbs, and I’m about 124, so it was a lot for me to take. My neck stiffened right away and I was feeling a small spasm. As he was putting his weight on me, and focusing on my belly, I was holding a pressure point on the right side of my neck. Tears started rolling out of my eyes. I didn’t know why. I just knew I needed to breathe into it. Immediately he cupped the back of my neck with one hand and gripped both sides at the same time. The tension, nervousness and pain there, went away instantly. I found that fascinating how the weight of his body while holding my neck (that always created knots after making love in the past) disappeared while the man I love, trust and adore was holding it. I heard his words, “You are safe now little one!” And I started whaling. I didn’t know what this was about, but I knew this was exactly what I needed.
We went back to focusing on his body weight. He used his arms to alternate between his whole body weight on top of me, to lessening the weight so I could breathe again. Each time I could take a breathe, the heaviness in my soul subsided. I saw images from ancient Native American times and it looked as though I was in a tribe and they were performing a ceremony. I don’t know if we were clearing a rape from this lifetime, or other lifetimes from the past, as more images from other times appeared in my minds eye. However, it felt as though we were clearing all the lifetimes of being held down and trapped in a sexual position in this experience, even though we had not even performed the physical act. The almost physical act brought up the pain of the acts from violations in the past, and we realized in this moment, how any exposure to sexual acts, or being put in situations unwanted that were attempted to be sexual, or appeared to be had been re-traumatizing for the rapes prior.
For all the Tantrikas out there, and all the Sex Workers and Coaches, I humbly pray for all of you that if you are working in the field, and got there in a way similar as I, I hope you too heal the core of your traumas and receive the love you have been longing for like I have! We all need each other, and now that I have this wisdom after taking time off, and am healing the core darkness, I can help others who have been there too!
For all the ladies who had trauma before your relationship, and are with the man of your dreams or someone you really love, there is hope to healing your past and staying in your relationship to heal your pains, get close or rekindle your love again!
I love you all! I love me! And I deeply love you my Beloved Paul! Thank you for your depth of kindness! It will reap a snowball effect of kindness and healing to the planet! Namaste, AHO, Asttarte
First Published 7/10/2019